21 years of life, taught me so much lessons. The ups and downs in my life give me something to remember, I found remedy in things that give me pain, and I found pain in things that I think will give me happiness, that's really fucked up. Here I am, laying in my bed, accompanied with great music that helps my mind wanders, to write something so the weight that I've been hold up for too long will be lessen.

I find some difficulties in finding the right words to express my thoughts and my feelings. The wrong choice of words cause me despair and sorrow, as those words that I say doesn't help the others to understand a thing about me. They misunderstood me, so the blame is on me.

I got so much fear that keep holding me back, and it really sucks when I can't say the things that keep banging inside my heart and screaming inside my head. For me, saying the right thing in the right time is important. It's fucking hurt when I'm putting my best efforts and taking some time to gain strength before I express my own thoughts and feelings, but they don't believe everything that I said, they believe that it's no better than a lie. This cause me losing every resolve that I made. You can't fucking do this to me, but I know the blame is on me.

Experience is my best teacher. I learnt how to read someone's mind and feelings through their body language, their actions and by looking deep into their eyes. I can detect lies, broken heart, fragile mind, and fake act. I don't hold grudge, I want my heart to be at ease, and my mind deserve to be at peace, so most of the time, I just play along with their act. Those who use me for their own good, the pleasure is on me as I want to do something good to them, but they just blew their own chance to gain something greater that I wish to offer off. I'm letting myself to be used by others so they can be better, so the blame is on me, but I'm okay with that.